Sunday, May 18, 2014

Ups and downs...

I feel I've been taking things rather well lately (considering). Like I said in my last post I must have been in the denial stage of grief. I can confirm that because I've since move through the anger, depression, and bargaining stages.

I'd been fine for days. I hadn't cried for a while. Thursday night I broke my approx. 4 day streak and lost it. I cried at choir to a sweet friend who knew nothing about our third try but has followed our path of infertility all along and has had children struggle as well. Then I came home and had a talk with Chuck and full on lost it. I was just sad. Miscarriage just seems like such a sad, horrible thing. I cannot wrap my brain around it. I cannot get it. I think that's another reason I was in denial for so long. It's simply unfathomable to me. I know there are things much worse than a miscarriage that happens in the world but I can't wrap my brain around those things either.

I don't understand why babies wished, dreamed and prayed for can't come to good, prepared, loving parents. Why would we be denied of that? I feel those little miracles are Gods blessing and under His control. IVF is the most medically advanced way to control the process of getting pregnant. There is still just a 55% likelihood of people getting pregnant. Then there's always the chance of miscarriage of course. I believe God is capable of miracles. I believe if it was His will, right for us and right for that baby it would've happened. There are a lot of things in this life that I don't understand. I do believe that with all of the work we've put into getting our little twins here HAS made me cherish them all the more. I feel that applies to anything we really have to work for in life. I feel anything major I have attained in life I have really had to work for ie. Chuck, MOTAB, my babies. All the hard work has benefited me in the way of totally valuing what I have attained from the hard work. The victory at the end of all of the effort makes the prize that much sweeter. I do believe that. I hope in the future we'll have more kids and this experience will add to appreciating them all the more.

I have not lost faith in God. I still trust in His love, plan, and timing. I do have questions. I don't understand why we felt so right about trying IVF for the third time right now only to have it work but not result in a baby. I still get sad sometimes. I still hope and pray for a miracle (bargaining stage) but I'm gradually becoming more prepared to say goodbye if and when I have to. Nothing is happening naturally. I decided I'd let things got until 10 weeks. My doctor is out of town next week so things will have to wait until 11 weeks. I've done my research on cost vs doing the D&C in our fertility clinic vs doing it in the hospital with my OB. It's over $1000 cheaper to do it in our fertility clinic. So, there you go. I've scheduled an ultrasound beforehand just to be absolutely sure nothing has changed between 7 and 11 weeks.

Chuck has been absolutely fine (the day after our bad news). I've had my ups and downs. No highs but I have had lows. Chuck reached the acceptance stage right away. He isn't happy about losing the baby but he has come to grips with the bad news. He has been there for me and been my shoulder to cry on through numerous stages of my grief. I've had little experience with the stages of grief luckily. This time around I've been much more aware of what I've been experiencing through it. He has been so amazingly supportive and kind through my mood swings. He has never blamed or questioned me. I am so appreciative of that. I don't know if the roles were reversed that I could be so gracious.

I'm glad nothing happened naturally yet. It's given me time to prepare for the worst. It may not make a difference though. What is better? Go through the grief before or after the actual occurrence of a miscarriage? I'm sure the grief process would've been just as bad had I not had an IVF pregnancy following every stage and just having the surprise of things happen naturally on their own. Either one is hard, heart breaking, disappointing and just seems wrong.

Again. I don't know why we're going through this trial but I believe it is giving us experience, I believe and have hope in the future. We have felt the prayers, love, and support of others. I have felt the peace only the Holy Ghost can bring. I believe that even though Chuck and I have had very different grieving processes it has brought us closer together. I have faith and hope good things can come from this time of sadness.

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