Tuesday, May 6, 2014

8 weeks???

I'm not sure how to keep track of how far along I am in this pregnancy. Do you count what your baby measured at or how far along you are until your body officially rejects the pregnancy? I have no idea. TECHNICALLY I would be 8 weeks along today. In the past six days (since finding out this baby would not make it) we've had such an out pouring of love. I can't call it anything other than that. I've always wondered why people wanted to avoid announcing their pregnancy in the early months for fear of losing the baby. I always thought that if I lost it I would want the love and support from others. NOW having actually gone (going through it currently) through it I can say I stand by that. I respect people for feeling the way they feel but for me personally I would not have been able to make it without the hugs, messages and talks with people who have been through similar heartbreaking situations. I could not have done it without you. You know who you are. It has helped me so much. There has been so much comfort knowing and mourning with those who can relate. Thank you, thank you for opening up to me and sharing your stories with me as well. It has helped in innumerable ways.

I feel I'm doing surprisingly well with it at the moment. I don't know if I can attribute it to having twin babies and just having to press forward with life, feeling the prayers of others and the comfort of the spirit in my life, OR being in partial denial about this whole thing or ALL OF THE ABOVE. Nothing has physically changed in me. I still battle with fatigue and feel the exact same way. I have not started spotting or bleeding. I still don't know how I want to move forward. I've talked to people about what they decided or what happened for them and swayed my opinions from natural to D&C so many times. I am still on the fence about it. Part of me is afraid of the bleeding, cramping, passing the baby (sorry if that's TMI). The other part of me is somewhat curious and feels that I can only fully experience the situation if I go through it on my own. I don't know. I really don't.

As I said I have no regrets about being so open about our IVF round. I have loved the hugs, the talks, the kind words, kind looks, offers to help etc... I know the best people ever and am so grateful for you. Even if you haven't know what to say you've been there for me. For that I am so grateful. We've also received heartwarming gifts as well. I've never had so many flowers in my house at one time in my life before. I won't say who gave us what to avoid embarrassing anyone but I want you to know it was so loving and so kind of you. It's a constant reminder of your love and support. It has brought me comfort. To all of you I say thank you, I love and appreciate you for being in my life and being a shoulder to cry on.

One thing that has been hard is some sweet friends in the choir who heard I was pregnant through the grapevine haven't heard all of the news through the grapevine quite yet. On Sunday I still had a couple ladies ask how I was feeling in relation to the pregnancy. I think social media makes this a little easier. I think that's why being open is easy for me. I just have to tell my story once. If you're interested you'll know my situation. I don't have to tell and retell my story to everyone I come in contact with. It's out there. I can tell it once to all my friends and then move on from there. As positive as this situation can be, it has been because all of you and because of my loving, supportive husband, my beautiful beams of sunshine twin baby girls, my loving Father in Heaven and sweet, sweet Savior who has been through all we can ever suffer.


  1. Hugs! Your words are so perfect, they describe the experience of a miscarriage perfectly. I LOVE you and you are right, it will all be ok, in fact better then ok, it will all be wonderful. Let's chat soon!

  2. I'm so sorry Des. I have been gone and didn't know. I can't imagine how hard this must be. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I love you. You are such a dear friend and you deserve the best.