Sunday, May 25, 2014

My miscarriage

Be forewarned I plan on being very open about my miscarriage. I feel like little is ever said about it and I just thought I would jot down some details. If you are not interested do not read on.

I never knew what a miscarriage entailed until a good friend of mine recently shared her experience with me that it was actual labor to pass the baby at whatever stage you were in. If the knowledge of losing your baby wasn't enough! I've only heard of people having miscarriages. No one ever elaborated on that. I knew it was sad. I've decided instead of being the norm that I'll be open about it. Serve as a journal for me, to remember and acknowledge this baby of ours, and also for educational purposes to those who were in the dark if not actually experiencing it for yourself.

My D&C is scheduled for May 27th. It turns out I may not need it after all because this past Wednesday morning (marking exactly my 10 week mark) I started bleeding. I woke up at 6 am to wet undergarments. I didn't just start spotting like I've heard it described by others. There was blood, fluid, and a little tissue. There would be no question what was happening if I hadn't been expecting it. At that moment I was overwhelmed with peace and a feeling of extreme gratitude for having had the opportunity to carry this baby at all. I had no pain or discomfort at all on Wednesday. I was surprised about that.

I took a day off on Wednesday from working out. On Thursday I decided to workout anyway. Thursday the girls and I went to do a photo shoot for the church at the Oquirrh Mountain Temple for a couple of hours and then went straight to choir. Whew! That day was a doosy. I was in pain and had to sit more than I should have at choir. I think I pushed it a tad too hard that day. I have not made that mistake since.

Friday continued the bleeding, clots and cramping. It's been the worst period of my life cramping and bleeding wise. I decided to opt out of an activity or two and take it easy at home.

Saturday morning I had a feeling to go use the restroom. As I wiped tissue about the size of a TP square appeared. I looked at it and tried to analyze it a little to see if there was anything that could appear to be the baby. To an untrained eye there wasn't. I expected in order to pass the tissue (gestational sac and fetal pull) there would be cramping miniature labor style (not that I even know what labor feels like). It just appeared. There was no pain related to it either. I was surprised about that as well.

My emotions were close to the surface Saturday morning at a brunch we went to with some great neighborhood friends. My friend Lindsey and I have a goal to run a half marathon in September. I jumped into that idea. I think it's just what I need. I need a new goal completely opposite of my last goal (pregnancy). What's the longest I've ever ran at once? 6 miles. The only organized races I've ever ran have been 5K's but I think it'll be a fun goal. Work off the weight I've gained from the IVF, pregnancy, lack of quality workout and such and work towards a positive goal. We need to formulate a specific plan but I'm excited.

From the brunch we went to a baptism/baby blessing for two of our nieces. It was a sweet experience even though it was during nap time and both of the girls were crabby. When Alyssa went to get in the water to be baptized I had the girls walk up to the font. Charity looked through the glass at the water. I think it was reminiscent of the aquarium because she asked "Fish? Fish?" haha! Too cute! I missed the baby blessing because I was out in the hall with the girls. It was nice to be around family though.

Sunday I went to choir as standard. At church later I was in pain and emotionally exhausted so I left a little early for some R&R. I feel I've done pretty well through this process. I hit the acceptance stage right before the miscarriage started happening naturally. I think that's helped me a lot this past week. Life has been happening as usual. There have really only been two things I've cancelled. There have been a couple of tears shed and I expect things to go on for a while. I'm not sure how much longer it will take to stop bleeding or for my hormones to even out.

I tried calling my Dr's office to ask a nurse what to expect through this on Wednesday. My Dr was out of town all week last week so I wonder if his nurses have been as well because no one ever returned my call. I doubt anyone will be there on Memorial day tomorrow. I'll have to call early on Tuesday because I don't expect to need my D&C anymore.

A friend of mine posted about her miscarriage on her blog and shared the following poem. I though it was really sweet.

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling

For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks--
I came to know you. . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were those few weeks, my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

A friend of hers commented on her post by sharing this little tear jerker.

I thought of you and closed my eyes 
And prayed to God today, 
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" 
And I know I heard him say: 
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true 
But, God, can you be a mother 
When your baby's not with you? 

Yes, you can, he replied 
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, 
When they leave it is not their choice. 
Some I send for a lifetime, 
And others for the day, 
And some I send to feel your womb, 
But there's no need to stay. 

I just don't understand this God, 
I want my baby here. 

He took a breath, 
and cleared his throat, 
And then I saw a tear. 
I wish I could show you, 
What your child is doing Here... 

If you could see your child smile 
With other children and say, 
"We go to earth to learn our lessons 
of love and life and fear, 
but My mommy loved me so much 
I got to come straight here!" 
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, 
I learned my lessons very quickly, 
My Mommy set me free. 
I miss my Mommy oh so much 
But I visit her each day. 
When she goes to sleep, 
On her pillow is where I lay. 
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, 
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, 
I'm your baby and I am here" 

So you see my dear sweet one, 
Your children are okay. 
Your babies are here in My home, 
And this is where they'll stay. 
They'll wait for you with Me, 
Until your lessons there are through, 
And on the day that you come home, 
they'll be at the gates waiting for you 

So now you see 
What makes a Mother, 
It's the feeling in your heart, 
It's the love you had so much of 
Right from the very start.


I shared briefly in my first post about IVF round 3 that Chuck gave me a priesthood blessing when I began to fear the worst learning there was no yolk sac. In the blessing Chuck said that if things did end in a miscarriage this pregnancy I could relate to those who have been through the same thing on a whole new level. Nothing was definitive at that moment but I knew the risks. The priesthood blessing brought the spirit into my heart and did bring peace with it.

I don't expect to bleed much longer. I anticipate this experience coming to a close. I'm grateful things happened naturally. I'm grateful it hasn't been terribly painful or horrible. I don't have all of the answers. I don't know exactly how things will work out in the next life as considered in this article. I am a very religious person. I have faith and hope this will work out regarding this pregnancy and hopefully there will be more pregnancies in our future. I think I've continued talking about this to keep the remembrance of this baby. I assume I will return to these posts for solace and remembrance in the future. I plan on moving on to happier topics from here on out though. I love my Father in Heaven and do not doubt He has a plan for me. I do not doubt Him and His plan because my life, husband and daughters are more incredible than I could've ever imagined. I'm blessed beyond measure and know He is the giver of all of those blessings. I love my Savior who suffered all that I might not suffer. He endured what I could not. I am grateful for my loving, understanding husband who has been there for me through this process and has loved me unconditionally, and taken things as they've come, and has been there for me in every way. This baby will always be a part of me and for that I am grateful.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you were able to find comfort through my post and from your many friends who love you. If you do find yourself in need of more understanding or comfort, I loved the book I mentioned in my post. That's where I got the poem. It's called Gone Too Soon. It really helped me. Another thing that helped me find peace is the scriptures. I'm glad you are opening up to people about your experience. Talking about it with your hubby and others really helps, especially to people who have gone through it. Makes you feel not quite so abnormal and alone. It is such a mentally and physically difficult experience to go through. It took me as long physically to recover from my miscarriages as it did my full term deliveries. So take it easy and give yourself time to heal. Love you guys! We are here if you need to chat or just need a hug. :)