We went in for my ultrasound this morning. The doctor saw us in the hallway and asked if I'd had any pregnancy symptoms recently. I never had many symptoms with the girls and my hormones were through the roof with twins so I wasn't sure what to expect this time around. I didn't think it was a tell tale sign that things weren't going well. We'd have to wait for the ultrasound for that.
Right away it was visible that there was still no sign of a yolk sac. A heart beat was still not visible which the doctor said at this point should be very apparent. The baby only measured 6 weeks 0 days when I'm technically 7 weeks 1 day. It could now be determined without a doubt that this baby is not going to make it. My doctor talked to us about our options. He said he doesn't usually see a baby and no yolk sac. Usually it's the other way around. There is medication you can take that will basically put you into labor to pass the baby quickly but he strongly discouraged it. Our other two options would be either a D&C or to let things happen on their own. My doctor shared a personal experience of his wife and her two miscarriages. He said she had two miscarriages and tried a different option with each. She hated both. I can see that. It seems there is no win in this situation.
Ugh! This is so hard. I instantly started tearing up. Chuck and I held hands as I lay on the table listening to our options. Miscarriage has always been one of those things I've heard about people close to me experiencing. It seemed harder to deal with than infertility because we never made it that far into actually being pregnant. I always felt so bad for those who have gone through it and always hoped to never experience it for myself. I don't know if knowing ahead of time to somehow anticipate it is worse or better than just seeing it out of the blue. I suspect they're both horrible.
Chuck and I aren't sure what we're going to do at this point. The Dr said for us to take our time to grieve which is what we have been doing. Chuck stayed home from work today. We've been talking about and opening up to each other about our hopes and dreams of this pregnancy. We both thought and wished for a boy. Chuck longed for a boy he could one day take on father/son camp outs, teach scouting, etc. We've cried and held each other. We both feel drained of energy and find this reality very difficult to face.
I know there are worse things that could happen. Still births, losing a child, or spouse would all be harder than this I believe but this is very much a loss. I was pregnant. There was a baby. I never heard a heart beat. I never saw movement. This is hard but we still have very much to be thankful for. I know our Father in Heaven is aware of us. I know if we were meant to get pregnant now and it was that baby's time to be on earth it would have worked out. Even though we felt strongly about trying now we are still hopeful there are more children in Heaven for us to parent. We know things will work out when they are supposed to. We have to beautiful, healthy, perfect little girls to enjoy now. We have a wonderful marriage. I would never ask for this trial but I know we are well equipped to face it. Chuck is my rock. Our family and friends are there for us. It's hard and I'm not looking forward to actually losing this baby.
We still have three more embryos in the freezer and I've known people who have struggled for years to have a child and miraculously they have one on their own, without fertility treatments. For whatever reason things did not work out right now but we are not giving up. We know this experience will help us relate on a different level with those who have been through this very same thing. We will be strengthened by them and be able to strengthen others as well.
We were so looking forward to this baby. I'd already started thinking of little boy names. I had changed my diet and workout routine. I started reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I reserved my parents to come into to town to help with the birth. I had arranged the perfect time to go to KY to visit family and have my amazing sister take pregnancy shots with the girls. How cute would that have been? I thought of our little boy being close in age to my sisters baby boy. I had anticipated missing this years MOTAB Christmas concert, dinner and devotional because of this baby. I was planning fall and winter outfits in my pregnant body. I was gearing up for the weight gain and discomfort. Now I'm trying to wrap my brain around changing all of my plans for no baby.